I hate my life.

Its like a few things will go right and then a few more, and it gets to a point where I feel safe and good for a change. Then everything goes wrong all at once. Shit like this is just hard for me to handle because I work my ass off for just a small glimpse of hope, and when I think I'm about to have a lot of bad shit fixed and delt with, it all comes back. And when I say everything, I mean everything, all the shit I've ever had to deal with in the 19 years I've been alive. Stuff like moving, dad's drug problem, how hard it is to find help in bad situations, depression, heartache, loneliness, being lied to, and betrayal; not to mention remembering every bad moment that changed my life forever. I hate bad memories, I'm glad they're making a drug to get rid them.

I don't know who to be angry at anymore. Myself, for letting people affect my life, my father, for his cocaine addictions and selfish mistakes, my mom, for asking me to stay here in this Hell, my brother, for telling me that he'd let me live with him and then neglect me to my point of starvation, or God, for making me go through all this when I gave Him my trust and belief. I don't want to ever trust anyone again.

Not one single fucking person because everytime I do, it just causes me more suffering and its always from the people I love the most. Fuck them! Fuck them all! I can't deal with their shit anymore. And how dare they use love as some form of guilt trip, that I have to take care of them and be there for them, when they have done so much shit to me.

I'm not going to let them jerk me around anymore. I want to live a selfish life for the very first time. I want to be in total control over my own life. Then maybe, I can finally feel a form of peace.

Yeah, I know what you'll do. Write that everything will be okay, give me a hug or nice gesture, tell me you know how it is. Thanks for that, really, but please don't write this time. It makes me feel like a horrible person to complain when there are people who have it way worse than I do. Nice comments just amplify that fact and make me feel even more horrible than I already do. I know you care, so you don't have to tell me you do. Thanks for your time, I just needed to vent.

I need to upload some new stuff...I did draw a few things and put them in a pile on the kitchen table. They are currently lost. I know the last things I uploaded were after my Chicago trip which was months ago! Right now, I'm in Tennessee house-sitting for a family who went to colonial Virginia. Amanda and her mom, Fran, are with me so I'm not alone, plus, there are two dogs. I like the one called Sebastian. He is a shinu-ibu, which is a little japanese breed. He's cute.

Well, thats about it for now. I'll try to upload more things when I go back home.

heehee. I went to Chicago with my buddy Amanda and it was AMAZING! I had so much fun!

To put a long story short here are some things that we did.
*Saw dinosaur bones, including Sue, the most complete T-Rex.
*Saw some nifty jewelry and even Elvis's golden lighter.
*Went to the Art Institute of Chicago and saw a bunch of awsome and famous paintings! SO MUCH FUN!!! WOOT!
*Watched the musical "Wicked" and it is now my favorite.
*Ate at some nice places and did a lot of crazy fun things. I even saw a mailbox that looked like R2D2! LoL

Well, there is a lot to my adventure in Chicago, but I don't feel like typing that much. LoL And I had a great time!

I don't want to be me anymore.

I wish I could let someone have me. Use me. Thats all anyone wants from me. I hate it. I really do.

So, I don't want to be me anymore. If I looked like someone else, maybe things would be different. If I were so ugly no one wanted me, I think I could be happy.

But I'm too stubborn to be something I'm not. Believe me, right now I'd like to take razors and cut my face to pieces, but I'd never do that. I'm not weak. And I hate the fact that I'm not weak. I wish I could just give up. Lie down and die. Submit to an idea that is in fashion. Let someone have me. But I can't because I'm not like that.

I know who I am. I just hate the fact that I am myself. And I hate the fact that I won't even try to be someone I'm not. I hate being me.

Its like no one can say, "I miss you", and just mean that. Or say, "I care about you", and mean nothing more. No one wants to be simple around me. They only want to complicate things. And then when they learn who I am, the fact that I'd never submit to a stupid idea, they leave. Every single one of them. And while I am happy they are gone, its just, I'm starting to wonder if there is anyone who is different than them. I really don't think so.

"When in Rome, do as the Romans do". It feels like Rome is everywhere and I can't get out. I don't want to be a Roman. I just want to be me. If everyone is a Roman, who will be there to stand beside me?

I will just have to die alone. I can't let myself become a Roman. Its just not who I am.

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

"I Don't Love You"

Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whooa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday"

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday